The Sunshine Empire

Biggus: Did I send you the “Finding My Goddess” thing?
me: I don’t think so
Biggus: www.findingmygoddess.com
It’s very long, but oh so very crazy.
me: “so if it’s too long for you, then we are not a match.”
I’m not fucking this guy
Section One, My Global Vision?
Biggus: I don’t think you’re willing to exercise enough for him anyway.
me: HA
Biggus: Oh, it starts crazy, it maintains crazy and it closes crazy.
In short, it is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.
me: “Why am I sharing this Global Vision with you? Because it tells you a whole lot about who I am. I am a man who DARES to dream the impossible dream, and who DARES to devote his life to realizing it.”
Biggus: The random capitalizations.
me: I’m a man who DARES to put random things in italics
Personally I’m a MAN who haphazardly puts THINGS in caps
Biggus: Wait until you get to his specific requirements of his goddess.
me: His intention is twofold
good
“She believes in God, loves God, knows that God loves her, and knows that she herself is made in God’s image (i.e. that she is an incarnation of God, or that the Buddha within her is the totality of the universe).”
She loves God, and or Buddha or Allah or whatever that funky dude in Scientology is
But it’s a MUST
Biggus: No, as he states later, she MUST NOT BE A SCIENTOLOGIST.
me: Oh fuck I missed that
Biggus: It’s in the requirements further down the page.
me: No I see that now
wait
On his personal practice minimum
one of the things that does not count is “psychic surgery”
I think this woman’s appendix has burst
Good thing we have a psychic surgeon
Biggus: The things he wouldn’t accept didn’t seem all that much crazier than the things he wanted.
me: I think this guy is putting up so high a standard for a special lady that when he starts fucking a dude he has the out to say, “well damn I just couldn’t find a girl who met my needs”
Biggus: Those pictures are creepy too.
me: Good that they are dated though
Biggus: “This is what I looked like at 50.”
“Um, it’s a lot like you look now.”
“Exactly, see how resilient I am!”
me: For all those who are writing in about “what did you look like in 2005?” Well here it is
Oh
Did I talk to you about John Tesh’s radio show?
Biggus: No, but I’ve heard it. What’s your comment?
me: You have?
WTF?
Here’s some lite hits, oh, and let me read you something regarding safety I read while scanning MSN.com
Hey that was a great Celine Dion tune, did you know it was light bulb safety month?
Biggus: It’s on the easy listening station, and sometimes I flip over there because they’ll play a good Elton John song or something.
me: It’s not the music as much as the in between with him reading off of old people’s email forwards
Biggus: Oh, I flip if I hear him talking.
me: I was drinking beer out on the front driveway at Brooke’s parents
and she had it on the radio, and she would go in and I would hear the in between
Oh
and I say a real life reality show that night
We’re just sitting there talking and it’s like 2 AM
So about two houses down across the street some kid comes out to his front driveway and he starts screaming on a cell phone to someone and since it was the middle of the night we could hear it clearly. We were sitting with chairs and beers like it was just one big reality show theater
He keeps screaming over and over, “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME”
Biggus: Wow.
I’m sorry I missed that.
me: So he eventually stops and walks inside
Biggus: I was asleep though. Meghan called at 1:30 or so. I was out though. I think I did one of those half-wakeup things where you think you’re dreaming.
me: We keep talking and I go take a leak
So she goes inside and I see flashing lites about 15 minutes later
lights
Biggus: Police?
Really?
me: Not one, nor two, but three JSO cruisers.
Biggus: Holy fuck.
Did he resist?
me: No, but they talked with him and he had family there
they patted him down
Then cuffed him and put him in the cruiser
and as they were leaving I could here the person that was in the house with him say thank you to the officer when he left
Biggus: Yikes.
me: I really felt like I lived in Jacksonville at that point
Biggus: That family will do that to you.
me: Like seeing a redcoat in Philadelphia, or a drag queen in San Fran
Seeing a Cops episode first hand
In Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuvaaaaaaaaaaalllllll
Biggus: John wants some meth and hookers and heroin and maybe Tetris 64 next Friday.
me: I’m too high strung for meth and too much of an addictive personality for heroin, but hookers and tetris sounds great
Biggus: I’ll talk him down.