The Sunshine Empire

Yesterday I was lamenting the decision by MillerCoors to stop production of Sparks. Due to an agreement by MillerCoors and Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan, Sparks will no longer be an integral part of our American society. But sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing is what got the Nazis in power, and that’s not the American way. Today, in my capacity as Chairman of The Sunshine Empire standing committee on boycotts, I call for a boycott of both all MillerCoors products and the entire state of Illinois.

First to address MillerCoors. We will continue to purchase Sparks until North America exhausts all reserves. At that point the boycott will go into full effect. We will no longer be purchasing any Miller Lite, Coors Light (which is difficult because my chief political adviser loves that stuff), Killians Red, Molsen or Icehouse. Sadly that also includes Mickey’s Ice, but these are desperate times.

These times also direct our ire on the entire state of Illinois. There is only one state in the union that I have complete and utter hate for their sports teams and that had been Tennessee. Now Illinois joins that list. Cubs fans, you’ll never ever win ever ever ever ever ever never. White Sox fans, Ozzie Guillen is fucking bat shit insane. Bears fans, mix in a salad or something, and are the Blackhawks even in operation anymore? So sorry Illinois. If you want to get back off of our notorious blacklist, you need only impeach Ms. Madigan as well as Blagojevich. We do not need you as our nanny and governmental parent telling us how to make our alcohol energy drinks in The Sunshine Empire. So please even stop watching shitty re-runs on WGN to make this point, and pick up a Budweiser.